This is an experiment. Can I do this on a regular basis? Who knows? Post a haiku, discuss it, solicit comments from others, maybe just once per week. It takes a lot of thought etc to do something like this, but it's worth a try, so here goes:
unfinished dream--
unfinished dream--
a chrysanthemum blooms
in the tatami room ~Chiyo-ni
Basho says, "a haiku presents a pair of contrasting images, one suggestive of time and place, the other a vivid but fleeting observation." This haiku by Chiyo-ni is structured very much in that way. It does present a pair of contrasting images."Unfinished dreams" is somewhat less concrete than something like Basho's famous "old pond." But the chrysanthemum blooming in the tatami room is certainly a vivid image, especially for those who can envision a tatami room. I like the rhyme here. It seems very natural, unlike some haiku rhymes I have seen. One thing about this poem, though: it is debatable as to how many elements it has. For example, there is the dream, the chrysanthemum, the blooming, the room, and the tatami. By some accounts that would be five elements. In my reading of Buson, I was impressed by his simplicity, his frequent use of only three elements, for example: morning breeze / riffling / the caterpillar's hair ~three elements; butterfly / sleeping / on the temple bell ~basically three elements. In both of these examples, Buson could have combined the first two lines and added a third line, thereby complicating things, which he did not do. I don't claim there is anything wrong with Chiyo-ni's haiku. In fact I love it. I do think it is important, however, to think about things like this.
One thing further, what would anyone think about switching the first line and the third line thus: in the tatami room / a chrysanthemum blooms / unfinished dream
Many times when I am writing a poem, this question comes up: could the poem be rearranged for better effect? And I'm sure some will question whether this is actually a senryu.
Does anyone want to try and write a new poem based on this one? How about this:
dinnertime --
a ceiling fan turning
in an empty room
Of course, this is in no way as good as her poem.
I hope you have comments. You can post them here, or on facebook, if you're reading it there.
One thing further, what would anyone think about switching the first line and the third line thus: in the tatami room / a chrysanthemum blooms / unfinished dream
Many times when I am writing a poem, this question comes up: could the poem be rearranged for better effect? And I'm sure some will question whether this is actually a senryu.
Does anyone want to try and write a new poem based on this one? How about this:
dinnertime --
a ceiling fan turning
in an empty room
Of course, this is in no way as good as her poem.
I hope you have comments. You can post them here, or on facebook, if you're reading it there.
Thanks, Ed for giving us such "playground" to exercise our "haiku" skills. So, here goes my try:
ReplyDeletedinnertime
vegan I am
she serves lula kebab
Thanks for the interesting read.
ReplyDeleteBuson's simplicity is awesome; I especially like his "Old Well," which is really reminiscent of Basho's "Old Pond."
I tend to like haiku that deal in concrete images, but the ethereal tone of "unfinished dream-" is nice here. It fits with the grief aspect of the chrysanthemum. I'm not sure if moving the first line to the close of the poem would change it too much for me, but I like that it opens with the idea of a dream, since the tone carries through.
Here's my haiku via your "dinnertime." I tried to keep it to 3 elements.
dinner
shades drawn
against dusk
Jason
@HaikuKilla
Great comments, Jason, nice poem, thanks. With the Buson poem, I suppose you're referring to this:
ReplyDeleteOld well,
a fish leaps--
dark sound
Yes, Almost exactly the same as Basho's Old pond poem. With regard to the concrete images, I too prefer those.
I thought a Haiku had 5 syllables, then 7, then 5?
DeleteHaiku's are so crap,
And here's my explanation:
You can't rhyme in them.
Well Anonymous, if that's your real name, what you don't know could apparently fill many books. Furthermore, in your one tiny comment you have managed to make three huge mistakes. No, four.
DeleteI kind of like the idea of moving the first two lines up, so it would read: a chrysanthemum blooms / in the tatami room -- / unfinished dream
ReplyDeleteFor me, I feel like that would add another entry point into the poem, in the sense that, as a reader, I could enter the poem at the middle or the end, instead of at the end. Maybe I just like putting the concrete image at the beginning.
Let's see ... this isn't exactly a dinner poem, but I suspect that wasn't quite what you were asking for anyway. How about this:
swimming alone
in the darkened basement
the goldfish
Oh, well. It's a rough draft. :)