unfinished dream

This is an experiment. Can I do this on a regular basis? Who knows? Post a haiku, discuss it, solicit comments from others, maybe just once per week. It takes a lot of thought etc to do something like this, but it's worth a try, so here goes:

unfinished dream--

a chrysanthemum blooms

in the tatami room ~Chiyo-ni

Basho says, "a haiku presents a pair of contrasting images, one suggestive of time and place, the other a vivid but fleeting observation." This haiku by Chiyo-ni is structured very much in that way. It does present a pair of contrasting images."Unfinished dreams" is somewhat less concrete than something like Basho's famous "old pond." But the chrysanthemum blooming in the tatami room is certainly a vivid image, especially for those who can envision a tatami room. I like the rhyme here. It seems very natural, unlike some haiku rhymes I have seen. One thing about this poem, though: it is debatable as to how many elements it has. For example, there is the dream, the chrysanthemum, the blooming, the room, and the tatami. By some accounts that would be five elements. In my reading of Buson, I was impressed by his simplicity, his frequent use of only three elements, for example: morning breeze / riffling / the caterpillar's hair ~three elements; butterfly / sleeping / on the temple bell ~basically three elements. In both of these examples, Buson could have combined the first two lines and added a third line, thereby complicating things, which he did not do. I don't claim there is anything wrong with Chiyo-ni's haiku. In fact I love it. I do think it is important, however, to think about things like this.

One thing further, what would anyone think about switching the first line and the third line thus: in the tatami room / a chrysanthemum blooms / unfinished dream

Many times when I am writing a poem, this question comes up: could the poem be rearranged for better effect? And I'm sure some will question whether this is actually a senryu.

Does anyone want to try and write a new poem based on this one? How about this: 

dinnertime --
a ceiling fan turning
in an empty room 


Of course, this is in no way as good as her poem.


I hope you have comments. You can post them here, or on facebook, if you're reading it there.

Greetings

I would like to use this blog to discuss haiku. Hopefully that discussion / those comments will help us all become better writers of haiku. Good luck.